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Blogging The Fifth Nail
Friday, May 13, 2005
Still Confused
My blog entries lately are erratic and full of a lot of B.S., for that I apologize. I am just trying to put down what is in my head, regardless. As far as "taking people with me" well, I don't know if that is right or wrong. In fact, I don't know much any more what right and wrong even is. My view is either everything is right (in some regard) or everything is wrong (in some other regard). The question (one I am struggling with at this point) is, "Does it matter?" Does anything matter? My mother is crying right now, because her son is in trouble again. She tried to raise a good son, and she knows her son has a good heart, so why does he do these things? She is probably more hurt and confused than me. Does it matter? It hurts me to know these things, but DOES IT MATTER??? A hundred years from now, all my mothers pain will be forgotten, and other mothers will cry for there sons. A million years from now there probably won't be any mothers (at least not like we know). I have feelings, in fact I think I must be more sensitive than most people because I seem to feel more than they do, at least more than what they openly express. I feel for the starving children and families in the world, others say, "Oh, that's too bad, but I can't do anything so..." I wish I could be more honest about my feelings, but those demons made sure I'd never be able to do that. I might not know if it matters, but just in case, I am working on an encrypted journal that is hundreds of times more frank than this blog could ever be (that's why I keep it encrypted). I figure in 30 years or more we will have the technology to easily crack the encryption (currently very un-crackable, PGP) and then the world will know who I really was, and what I really did, and what I really thought. Also, maybe then they will understand that despite my actions, I'm not a bad person, I just have a disease contracted from society, and it hurts a lot. I hope to complete this journal before I die (soon) or turn myself in (I still might do that, I think it is the right thing, but of course, I'm not sure). Speak of being sure; I wish I could be sure about my thoughts. But right now the only thing I'm sure about is that I'm sure about nothing. It is not a good position to be in considering my circumstances (being a felony fugitive and all).
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
The Demons Have Taken Over
Thanks for the comments. As far as letting God take care of the Demons, too late. They've locked up the "Happy Joe" person in the same dungeon that "Happy Joe" kept them in for so many years. Now they are loose and I am very afraid. From now on I may refer to "Happy Joe" as "Jet" (me) and the demons as "The Bogeyman." If you are familiar with me or even my fifthnail website then you will understand the names (see www.fifthnail.com). I have been asking God to help defeat the demons. In fact, last night I was on my knees begging him, crying out loud to him, to help me. He didn't answer, again. The problem is I am loosing my religion. I don't accept anything at face value, not even my own thoughts. So when I start having religious convictions I question the source. And in my current situation I figure I am under a lot of stress, and there are perfectly natural human mechanisms that account for all religious experiences. The demons (if that's what they/it are/is--I use the term for mere convenience) have convinced me that I should at least question my religious beliefs, (this makes sense, otherwise I would believe anything) and that is how they got the key to the dungeon, and trapped me inside. To be more specific, I am scared, alone, and confused, and my reaction is to strike out toward the perceived source of my misery, society. My intent is to harm society as much as I can, then die. As for the "Happy Joe" (Jet), well he was just a dream. The bogeyman was alive and happy long before Happy Joe. I was in prison for over 18 years, since the age of 17. As an adult all I knew was the oppression of incarceration. All those years I dreamed of getting out...And getting even. Instead, I got out and I got even, but did not get caught. So, I got even again, and again did not get caught. So, I figured, well, I got even twice (actually more, but that's here nor there), even if I'm the only one who knows, so now what? Well that was when the "Happy Joe" dream started. I met a bunch of really great people, the kind of people I didn't even know existed, but here they were, bunches of them, my neighbors, my landlords, my professors, my coworkers, and they were all good people, who were willing to give me a chance despite my past. They were willing to accept me and be my friend, something that was new for me, having been betrayed by many "friends" and even my own family. So, I tried to make it work. But the problem was those demons. The ones who "got even" for me. They kept reminding me that if my new "friends" knew about them (and what they, I, had done to even), then so much for their friendship. So, "Happy Joe" was just dreaming, or pretending to be happy.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Wrestling With Demons
Yes, I am still alive. I honestly wish not, I just don’t know how to kill myself so it makes sense. Nothing makes sense to me right now. Last night I realized I was “scared and alone.” Being scared doesn’t bother me as much as being alone, but it is a fate that I probably chose sometime before I was ever born because I’ve been making the decision to fight my battles alone since I was a small child. The current battle is of epic proportions (I do not make this claim idly either). It is a battle between me and my demons. Only two people in the world have a clue as to the power and nature of my demons (besides me) and they will probably never read this. But just the same, these demons are stronger than even I gave them credit for, and now they are taking my best blows and not even staggering. I’m afraid, very afraid. If they win then a lot of people will be badly hurt, and they’ve had their way before, so I know what they can do. I’ve been praying a lot and asking God for help. I’ve asked him to step in and intercede directly, because I see no other way at this point that I can win. If you are reading this, and you believe in God, please pray for God to help me defeat my demons. God has shown me the right choice, but my demons have me tied to a spit and the fire has already been lit. I don’t know if the right choice is even an option any more!
Friday, April 15, 2005
The Boogyman Will Get Ya
I wrote the following as a draft  So, I've been accused of molesting a little boy. Those close to me know I didn't do it of course, how could I, I'm not even a pedophile. Well, I'm not a psychopath either, I feel the full force and pain of everyone I have ever hurt, but that doesn't stop me from doing what I need to do. Ultimately my feelings don't matter, I learned that in prison. I have to carry out my orders or a lot worse than just me dying could happen.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Bohemian Underground is Concieved
As I watch history unfold, I am compelled to help keep it on course.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Here We Go Again...
Dave Forester, a reporter form the local paper just stopped by. Wanted to know if I had any comment about the charges against me in Becker County for an article he is preparing for the paper tomorrow.
Visit From Office Friendly
A freindly officer from the city police department just stop by to do their quarter "offender check" I did not bother asking his name. Each time they seem to add more and more to the check, this time they wanted ID and phone number. He also wrote down additional comments on the form he was filling out that I did not see. (FTR)
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Teaching The World To Sing
 Each time I re-read what I wrote in Key West I understand a little more, and realize more what God has been trying to tell me for the longest time, and what I have been wanting to know for just as long. For instance, just now I realized the answer to a question I've been asking myself for years: What can I do to get people to realize how everything is connected? Well, I just found the answer hidden in my own ponderings from that Sunny Sunday morning: Any attempt to make the world a better place imediately and directly interfers with God's Harmonic intentions. All answers must come in there own time, and God has the timing already figured out according to reasons infinitely beyond my own ability to reason. So, there is nothing that I "can do," but instead I must continue to strive to give-in to God's Will, because it is through this "non-doing" that his Will can be seen. I'm growing a lot lately faster than I want at times.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Who's Gonna Save Me?
"When you can see the strings that control your life, you tend to wonder." -- Jet (McNiel Island State Penitentiary, 1987)
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Micro-Vacation
I wrote the previous blog on the back of my flight itinerary while sitting at a patio table at a resort in Key West Florida this last weekend.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
What Friends Are For
A friend of mine pointed out that I spend too much time dwelling on my past (sex offense 25 years ago) and she offered this blog as evidence. She said I was also very negative, likewise evidenced in this blog. Wow. She is obviously correct, and it bothers me that I hadn't seen this before. Not that I'm really negative inside, I'm really not. I love my life, and I love the world, and I believe genuinely that God does not make mistakes, so there is nothing “wrong” about the way things are. I know from ongoing personal experience that my struggle to know the Truth is Gods gift to me! His gift can be acknowledge and recognized, but it can never be lost or possessed. So, I truly am a happy person on a level where being happy really counts. So, Thank you pretty neighbor girl for pointing out this sad impression I’ve been giving and allowing me the opportunity to amend my ways.
Monday, February 28, 2005
� IN-FORUM � - bas
Yes, I know a lot about abuse, from all three sides, the victims, the offenders, and the systems. I'm not saying let offenders do their thing, I have no problem with taking direct measures to stop people from hurting people. But I think it is more effective to take direct measures to stop people from wanting to hurt people. We should offer free offender counseling and even amnesty for certain types of offenses if the offender agrees to treatment (before they are caught). That would be a very practical and effective way to reduce sex crimes dramatically. I doubt it will ever happen though, because our society loves the excitement that sex offenders bring into our living rooms through the media and we would be lost without someone to point our fingers at. (This is a known sociological concept, so before you call me off the wall study up a bit!)� IN-FORUM �
Thursday, February 24, 2005
� IN-FORUM � bas
� IN-FORUM �: "Fact: If we had treated Germany with even a little respect (i.e. Love) after WWI, She would have never let Hitler lead her."
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Love Thy Enemy
[In response to comments in a forum on castrating sex offenders ...] if someone attacked my wife or child I would at least try to forgive them (I'm not perfect, or holier than anyone), and I would likely get even more upset when I hear people talk about fighting crime with more crime. It is one of those vicious cycles and the only way out is, you guessed it, Love. Christ tried to teach us, love your enemy; not love your loved ones (that’s a given). Not because God wants us to, but because our ultimate happiness depends on it.
Monday, February 21, 2005
No Doubt
If you knew without doubt that closing 9 out of 10 prisons and releasing the 9 least violent out of 10 prisoners would reduce new crimes by more than half in less than 5 years, would you be for it?
Thursday, February 17, 2005
What Jesus Really Said Was...
"I am the way, the truth, and the light. There is no other way to know the Father but by these (me)."
Criminals Are Victims Too
As long as we keep attacking the symptoms of social disease--the so called offenders--then our problems will keep getting worse. Some day (soon I hope) society will be forced to "wake up" and recognize how it propagates its own misery by denying the truth that criminals are victims too.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Illusive Invention
 I realized yesterday that many of the inventions that we take for granted (transistors, light bulbs, telephone, etc...) were invented by individuals such that if they had not come along we may not have ever known about their inventions and the world would be quite a different place. Then I realized, there must be thousands of inventions that have not been invented that could have had similar importance in our world. I wonder what they could have been?
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According to myth gypsies crafted five nails for Christ's execution not four. The fifth nail was meant to pierce his heart, but the gypsies hid the fifth nail from the roman soldiers. In some stories the gypsies were punished by God for prolonging Christ’s suffering, and in others they were rewarded for attempting to protect him. The fifth nail is said to have been a real religious artifact with miraculous powers. Its existence today is somewhat questionable, unless you consider the metaphor.
MONTHLY ARCHIVES
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